SAFE PLACES

SAFE PLACES

I’ve been thinking a lot about the theme of “A Safe Place” the last few weeks. With the time we spent in Foster Care, the theme of safe places was very prevalent. It was all over in our training materials, in our classes and in our everyday experiences with the children we were charged to guard, protect and nurture. 

I was raised and have grown with the theme of God being our Haven of Rest, The Lord is my Shepherd, His mercies are new every morning, He hides me under HIs wing, My God is my refuge and strength...and yet I was not prepared for the depth of my need for a safe place for ME while I was being a safe place for everyone else. I raced through every day, fearing the worst, tensing at the hint of struggle….really deep, dark struggle...knowing the information I needed to move forward but often forgetting my own Safe Place.

You see, when a child of trauma enters a safe place...feels loved...cared for...able to release tension….then all of that baggage gets dropped once inside the door. Those who love them most receive the onslaught of all the fears, the struggles, the pains, the rejections and the hurts. The barbs of words, the perceived rejections that have not yet happened, the need to blame for everything that still has a hold on their poor hearts, it all comes out on us in ways that don’t make sense and that can hurt really deeply if you’re not a proverbial brick wall. 

You know how it is to a degree...those people who we said “I do” to, that we gave birth to, that gave birth to us….we unload on them the most freely. Who gets our snappish words? Who gets our worst meal, our silence, our blank stare, our heightened, unrealistic expectations? It’s always the one who is most comfortable with us and us with them. Always the person we love most and who loves so much in return. 

I want to learn, through the time I’ve spent as a foster mom, how can I be more resilient and gracious in the future? I know my time as Mom to heart children was short and is done for many reasons that God only knows…..but I also know that I wouldn’t give up that deep, loving, dark, lonely, fully invested place...to not have learned  the lessons God was and is teaching me. HE alone is my Safe Place.

The brokenness of feeling failure, of giving up a dream, of wanting to be someone’s hero and not having the fortitude to do so….is crippling. Taking on stories and traumas that we never thought we would even know about, let alone try to help someone cope with...it’s devastating. LIstening to language that would melt your ears, understanding language that only seems appropriate in places of deep, deep hurt….it’s debilitating. 

Many wiser than us begged us to not push deeper into a place that was challenging us physically, mentally, emotionally and in our marriage beyond our capacity…..which to me seemed the opposite of where we should go….since we had not yet sacrificed to the point of shedding blood. Hmmmm, except that every other area of our lives was suffering except for foster care….and that was also questionable. 

We tend to be a couple who is in “spontaneous ministry”....if a call comes in, we will be there. But we were heading into our “cave” of non-contact, non-communicative, desperation...first clue that we weren’t listening.

Our question was, how do we serve in extremes and still seek out our Safe Place, Jesus...and keep going without breaking? My assumption was that if we were leaning entirely on Him (which I highly doubt we were) we could do anything exceeding the miraculous. But what if we were beyond where He wanted us and we weren’t listening?

My Safe Place….God is my refuge and my strength, a very present help in time of trouble, I will not fear when the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

…..So I pictured myself forging forward, helping, succeeding…..but instead I was breaking. We were breaking.

If my understanding of who God is, is solid, my faith is not shaken, he is my safe place, my refuge….and yet everything else seems to be breaking...then it is time to consider His direction AWAY from what is hurting everything. Although my desire is to be as great for Him as all those missionaries I follow, to find a level of sacrifice that honors Him, or to do great things that require me to give up my comforts….it still seems that he is asking me to do the simple task of being a safe place to the people closest to me...and to learn how to continue to let Him be my safe place. He has allowed my physical and mental capacity to be stressed to a point that I have to seclude myself to seek Him, recover, think deeply, connect with my husband, do quiet, therapeutic things, regroup, rediscover my purpose and just be at peace. Or maybe even to mourn and cry at what I thought was to be. 

What I thought I could do, God isn’t allowing me to pursue, but He is still my refuge and my strength. I wanted to be that heroine that could say after many years, “I’ve cared for 75 children and I still keep in touch with all of them”. A wrinkled 70-something that was vivacious and driven still being as strong as before and making an impact on lives. Selfish? Maybe...but not in what I wanted for all the kids I really wanted to be there for. 

“But he said to me “ My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith;  if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching;  the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness. Let love be genuine. Romans 12:6-9a